Field Notes - Dispatch 5 – Palm
Desert
Hello Fellow Adventurers!
Having been raised in the safe bosom of
Idaho it is easy to forget just how dangerous the rest of the world
can be. You hear stories of how wicked California is and yesterday
proved the legitimacy of that accusation. I was at the wrong place
at the wrong time, joined a yoga class and was almost murdered.
Being adventurous, I thought I would
try this new experience and was issued a rubber pad and was told to
spread it out on the grass under a big old tree. I laid down on the
mat and thought that with the addition of a pillow and light blanket
the perfect sport could be invented, competitive napping. Only later
did I discover that the rubber mat was to collect falling body parts
and for the convenient pooling of my blood. If you think about it, a
rubber mat is just an incomplete body bag.
The yoga instructor, who was easily
sixty, had the body of a sixteen year old girl, also had the
temperament of a hardened Nazis SS commander. Before I knew what was
happening,. I was in more knots than a cheap garden hose on hot
summer day. My spine was crackling like a string of firecrackers on
the 4th of July and for some reason, probably my moaning,
she kept focusing in on me for “special” treatment. She kept
asking me how I was doing but as a true American retiree, I would
only give her my rank and social security number. Not cooperating
only prolonged the torture and in the end if I had had any secrets I
would have spilled the beans for a single moment's relief.
Today I can hardly move but thought I
would do a bit a research. Turns out that yoga is an ancient
Sanskrit word meaning “heartless terrorism,” and is the
philosophical doctrine upon which Al-Qaeda is based. Statistically
speaking, in Idaho you could live your entire life without meeting a
yoga terrorist but down here there seems to be one under every bush,
usually curled up next to, and intimidating, a rattle snake.
My advice to you is stay at home and
take your chances with the slick roads and timber wolves.
