Field Notes -
Dispatch 33 – Rose Cottage, American Falls, Idaho, USA, Northern
Hemisphere
Thursday, May 29,
2017
Greetings, Fellow
Adventurers!
You may have seen
the report about me on the local news, but for those who did not, I
may as well confess that on a recent camping trip I managed to ignite
a fire in my pants.
MR and I safaried
down to the Wasatch Mountains of Utah and, generally speaking, had a
great time. For years I mispronounced the name of these mountains.
I called them the Sasquatch Mountains and no one ever corrected me
because, as usual, people are not very nice to me.
Anyway, before we
left I asked MR if she thought it would be a good idea to purchase an
off brand, imported, electric power inverter for the camper hut.
That way we could, in theory, charge up the ham radio right there in
camp from the four old car batteries I have duct taped to the back
bumper. She said that any technology that might put a spark back
into our relationship would be a good investment and slid the $12.00
over to me.
A day or so later,
off we drove and safely arrived in camp. It was a wonderful spot
near a small meadow complete with butterflies, lots of oak trees for
shade and even an icy mountain stream running right by our camp.
Perfect. All was well until the second day when I decided to try out
Mr. Sung’s “Most Easy to Use” power inverter. I would attempt
charging the cell phone as a test case.
I carefully read
the instructions about three times. The document, written mostly in
North Korean, inspired more questions than it answered but eventually
I was pretty sure I understood the general protocol for the
successful operation of the device. Now, I said to myself, time for
the practical application component of the lesson, the stuff fellows
like me excel at!
First off I
attached the red alligator clip (alligator?) to the positive terminal
of the DC (Demonic Current) battery array and clipped the black
alligator (alligator?) clip to the little finger of my left hand,
just like Mr. Sung’s instruction manual suggested. This apparently
inverts (flips) the electricity’s spirit personality to AC (Angelic
Current). The energy field created in my body then would radiate
power into the phone located in my pants front pocket. Mr. Sung was
very specific about the phone’s location. Why, I asked myself? Oh
well, carry on!
I know this all
sounds complicated, but remember I have been to college and am an
American male so I inherently know what I am doing. At this point, I
was feeling a tingling sensation throughout my body and I could feel
the phone heating up so I knew it was charging. Unfortunately, a bit
of trouble manifested itself at this point.
This is
embarrassing to recount, but it has been reported on the local news
so most of you already know what happened. The EMT at the scene
reported that apparently, the electromagnetic field emanating
throughout my body caused a biological anomaly that resulted in a
complete loss of, well, “control.” Instantly the gushing liquid
allowed electricity to arc from the my Samsung Galaxy 7 phone’s
lithium ion battery to the frame of the camper, completing a circuit
that resulted in the phone, as well as my pants, exploding in a
brilliant eruption of yellow flame. (Note to self: As a safety
precaution do not charge phone in FRONT pocket!)
MR, who was reading
under the shade of a nearby tree during these few moments said that
as I streaked by her in a beeline for the stream I appeared to
resemble a large, howling, 4th of July bottle rocket--yellow flame
propelling me at near mach 1 speed, a plume of black, acrid smoke
marking my trajectory. I made a landing in the creek like an Apollo
space module at splashdown but without the parachute. It was at this
point that MR called 911 on the ham radio. This is not an unusual
occurrence for the poor kid when camping with me.
Well, several hours
later, after the local news film crew and EMTs left our campsite, MR
asked me what I had learned from the day’s events. I replied that
the next time we went on safari I would leave all electronic devices
at home and instead use my time to perfect my s’mores recipe.
Me and a camp
fire, what could possibly go wrong?
