Dispatch 49
Rose Cottage, American Falls, Idaho
October 25, 2020

Greetings, Fellow Adventurers!

Call it callous, but that badger got what he deserved.

I realize that is a harsh introductory sentence but by golly there are times in a fisherman's life when you have to draw a line in the sand and stand your ground. Let me explain.

A few mornings ago I was happily riding my mountain bike on a dirt path next to a irrigation canal minding my own business. All was right in the world, as we say here in Idaho.  I was out getting a bit of exercise, at Scout’s insistence, and having some fun with my sixshooter.  As you know, out west it pays to be a good pistolaro as one often one finds oneself in tight spots far from the cozy protection of our fine local lawmen.  

It was at this moment I spotted, a fair piece up the trail, what I took to be a small coyote.  I stopped my bike in order to observe the creature and thereby increase my extensive understanding of the critter world when, uncharacteristically,  critter stopped, turned my way, paused but a moment, and then started advancing upon my position in a most aggressive manner!

By this point I had reassessed my critter identification and realized I was facing the two beady eyes and sharp teeth of a full-grown badger! Not only that, it was making a beeline for me at what I believe was full badger speed.  Yes, I was in a tight spot!

Now, those of you who have been reading my dispatches over the years know that I am a consummate outdoorsman and a cool hand when dealing with all things woodsy.    Obviously, I panicked and ran.  Unfortunately, in my panic I had forgotten I was still straddling my bike!  I found myself laying on the ground my legs still pumping, entangled in the bike that was on top of me.  The badger was closing in fast!  That is when I reached for my gun.

You probably think you know how this story ends.  You would be wrong.  You see, I was returning from the firing range and was out of ammunition.  I knew the pistol was empty, but, ha, the badger did not!  If figured the badger would have to assume the gun was loaded and act accordingly. Any rational badger would high tail it out of there.  Yes, friends, I was pulling the famous Idaho Badger Bluff, well known to many an Idaho cowpoke on the open range.  

You can imagine my surprise when the badger called my bluff and kept coming. At full speed!  Gosh, what a stupid badger!

Well, I was in a fix.  The badger was almost upon me and I could just feel those teeth sinking into me.  What did I do?  I starting whimpering and crying like a little girl, that's what, and you would too.  

I’m thinking my fishing days are over as I watch that evil badger bear down on me. Then, at the last moment, it jumps to the right and dives into a badger hole that I had overlooked in all the excitement. He disappeared as though he had never existed!

Praise be, I was saved!  I would live to see another western sunset!

Well, I disentangled myself from the bike and stood up with a new lease on life. I stopped sniffling, walked over to the badger hole, and did what any western he-man would do. I kicked a bunch of dirt and rocks down that hole! Then I covered over the hole with a heavy chunk of sagebrush!  That will fix him, I figured.  That badger got just what he deserved!

Dispatch 48

Dispatch 48
Rose Cottage, American Falls, Idaho
Sunday, July 12, 2020

Greetings, Fellow Adventurers!

As you may have heard, there is a bug going around and we are hunkered down, and not fishing or camping. I will not complain about it, but gosh it is hard on a devout outdoors man such as myself.

However, that is not the worst of it. Because I have found myself with some time on my hands, Scout has decided that “home improvement” projects are on the menu. Initially I thought this meant ordering a bigger TV and new surround sound system, maybe even a high capacity popcorn maker, but no, my erroneous assumptions were quickly and brutally dispelled.

I will not dwell on the litany of improvement projects, but let’s just say it is expansive and involves many power tools--equipment I know little about and seem to be possessed by evil spirits determined to kill me. The Skill saw haunts my dreams.

It is said that a good carpenter measures twice and cuts once. The fellows down at the hardware store have often said that I measure twice, cut many times, and then come back for more lumber. Obviously, I do not count them among my inner circle of friends, they always seem happy when I come by.

Apparently, my last building project required so much additional lumber that the owner of the lumberyard was able to buy a new outboard motor for his fishing boat. One wag at the counter suggested I was responsible for the clear cutting of a mountain side of old growth timber up North. I wish I could take my business elsewhere but there is only the one lumberyard here in town.

Fortunately, power tools and carpentry are the strong points in my handyman skill set. The low point is painting. Painting is boring and slow. It demands a steady hand, attention to detail, and someone who gives a hoot. I possess none of these attributes.

My motto is: Slather it on fast and thick! Get it done quickly and let’s go enjoy a beer on the patio. For instance, if I am painting a door I see no point in removing the hardware or masking off the surrounding walls. My current record for painting a door is just under three minutes and that includes both sides and a lot of carpet near the door. After three days that door’s hinges still won’t work. Did I mention the door is on the bathroom? Thank heavens it dried in the open position. If you drop by, just say hi to whoever is on the throne when you walk by. We’ve become pretty informal around here.

I have seriously considered buying a power washer and simply filling it with paint. I wonder what the fellows at the lumberyard would think? Really, I could paint the house and our cars in an afternoon. Maybe less.

I’m thinking tomorrow I will start a plumbing job. I am feeling confident and I have plenty of time for corrections. Does it matter that I don’t know where the main water valve to our house is located? Well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. And I may need a bridge if I flood the basement.

Next week I may try my hand at electrical work. What does 220 V mean anyway? I guess I will just plug the toaster in and see if the outlet is working. It can’t hurt to try. Scout is encouraging me to move this project up the list. I wonder why? Maybe she would like some toast.

I hope this dispatch finds you healthy and using your tool belt in a safe manner. Scout and I miss you all as much as we miss the trout streams.

Your Pal,
Old Trout

Old Trout in the Garden

Scene: A perky female neighbor walks by Old Trout's front yard.

Neighbor:  "Hi Old Trout, what are you doing on your knees in the grass?"

OT: "I am working on the sprinkling system, again."

N: "Is that something you enjoy?"

OT: "No."

N: "Do you always become saturated with water and encased in mud?"

OT: "Yes and Yes."

N: "Are you good at it?"

OT: "No."

N: "Why do you do it?"

OT: "I believe it is penance for my sins in a previous life."

N: "That would not surprise me."

Trowel flies through air, missing perky female neighbor by a whisker, embedding itself in a tree that, of course, needs water.

Screen fads out.

Dispatch 47

Dispatch 47
Field Camp, Palm Desert California
March 31, 2020

Greetings Fellow Adventurers!

After completing another successful season of research here at the desert oasis we are setting our compass to North and heading for the cottage.  We will leave in the morning and will layover one night at the Wells Fargo stage stop in Cedar City, Utah. With luck, we will arrive home on April 2.  The manager at the stage stop assures us that there are no worries about Chinese viruses in our rental cabin as the American bedbugs have eaten them all.  Gosh, I reckon there really is a silver lining in every pandemic!  I learn something new every day.

​Of course, we will be traveling with our accumulated trove of TP.  The Subaru wagon is almost full of the stuff.  I understand that the native tribes in Utah are raiding wagon trains just like ours to add to the temple supplies.  Therefore, we will be traveling with our .303 British Infield rifles loaded and at the ready.  Our trusty service revolvers will be strapped to our hips.  I am not about to be wiped out for my wipes.  No sir!​

We will, of course, be self-quarantining for a fortnight once we get to the old Idaho cottage.  I look forward to this respite because it will keep the bill collectors at bay!  Scout is not looking forward to living with me in such close quarters for such an extended period of time.  I will be hiding all the sharp objects, poisons, and ammunition immediately upon our return.  The poor kid gets a little edgy when I am around all the time.  Can’t think why.  Currently there have been no deaths resulting from the Chinese virus in Power County and I don’t want to be the first one.

Well, that is about it for now.  I look forward to hearing how you are weathering the storm and entertaining yourselves.  I am expecting a massive jump in births nine months from now.  I will be calling them Gen C.  I can hardly wait for a new batch of younguns.  I understand a new baby boy was born in Boise, Idaho, yesterday and the happy hillbilly parents named him Covid.  Kinda cute.

Over and out.

Dispatch 46

Dispatch 46
Field Camp, Palm Desert California
March 17, 2020

Greetings Fellow Adventurers,

For years I have been warning my fishing buddies about the dangers of drinking Mexican beer and now look what has happened. The whole desert around me is cursed with what the old timers are calling Corona virus. I myself have always enjoyed Coors beer, made with pure Rocky Mountain spring water and look at me, 55 years old, and still as healthy as my camel, Pete. But, of course, people will not listen to Old Trout. They have to have their expensive foreign beer and then stuff in a lime, so they can stand to drink it. What has happened to Americans? Now we all are paying the price.

So what is my sage advice now that we are in the soup? Well, here it is. Step by step.

1. Drink Gin and Tonics. Alcohol kill germs and does it from the inside out. Guess where the germs are? Yep, inside!  That is a medical fact. Take the fight to the enemy, I always say! Remember to imbibe soon, as Corona 19 gives you only 19 days from first symptoms to “last rights” so act fast pardners.

2. Do not buy any TP. What is the point of that? We all get free catalogs in the mail and the outhouse has a good stock. Buy more gin with that TP money.

3. If you cannot help hoarding, at least collect something useful like dark chocolate, ammunition, or trout flies. I myself have hoarded over 300 trout flies and the security they give me helps me sleep at night.

4. Social distancing. Do not get within six feet of other people. I have never had a problem with this step because I have found most folks are more than happy to avoid being near me. I suggest you cut out a 12-foot diameter doughnut of plywood and nail a set of old wader suspenders over the center hole. March around with that on and the problem takes care of itself.

5. Do not shake hands. Instead, I suggest implementing the time-honored peace pipe instead. It may take a bit longer but the smoke keeps the mosquitoes at bay and it is a great way to meet new pals. Enjoy the sunset with a G&T while you puff away, you never know how long you have to live (19 days?). Take time to tell a fishing story or two. You will not regret it.

That is pretty much all the medical advice I have for you at this time. Remember, we have been in tight spots before and in the end we came out just fine. Well, except for that time in Moab, Utah, when I accidentally ordered a large milkshake formulated to purge local hippies’ digestive systems. That really was a medical emergency. Truly a close call. Could have used some extra TP then. Jeepers!

Over and out for now. Stay safe and soon we will all be together again in fish camp this summer.