Old Trout in the Garden

Scene: A perky female neighbor walks by Old Trout's front yard.

Neighbor:  "Hi Old Trout, what are you doing on your knees in the grass?"

OT: "I am working on the sprinkling system, again."

N: "Is that something you enjoy?"

OT: "No."

N: "Do you always become saturated with water and encased in mud?"

OT: "Yes and Yes."

N: "Are you good at it?"

OT: "No."

N: "Why do you do it?"

OT: "I believe it is penance for my sins in a previous life."

N: "That would not surprise me."

Trowel flies through air, missing perky female neighbor by a whisker, embedding itself in a tree that, of course, needs water.

Screen fads out.

Dispatch 47

Dispatch 47
Field Camp, Palm Desert California
March 31, 2020

Greetings Fellow Adventurers!

After completing another successful season of research here at the desert oasis we are setting our compass to North and heading for the cottage.  We will leave in the morning and will layover one night at the Wells Fargo stage stop in Cedar City, Utah. With luck, we will arrive home on April 2.  The manager at the stage stop assures us that there are no worries about Chinese viruses in our rental cabin as the American bedbugs have eaten them all.  Gosh, I reckon there really is a silver lining in every pandemic!  I learn something new every day.

​Of course, we will be traveling with our accumulated trove of TP.  The Subaru wagon is almost full of the stuff.  I understand that the native tribes in Utah are raiding wagon trains just like ours to add to the temple supplies.  Therefore, we will be traveling with our .303 British Infield rifles loaded and at the ready.  Our trusty service revolvers will be strapped to our hips.  I am not about to be wiped out for my wipes.  No sir!​

We will, of course, be self-quarantining for a fortnight once we get to the old Idaho cottage.  I look forward to this respite because it will keep the bill collectors at bay!  Scout is not looking forward to living with me in such close quarters for such an extended period of time.  I will be hiding all the sharp objects, poisons, and ammunition immediately upon our return.  The poor kid gets a little edgy when I am around all the time.  Can’t think why.  Currently there have been no deaths resulting from the Chinese virus in Power County and I don’t want to be the first one.

Well, that is about it for now.  I look forward to hearing how you are weathering the storm and entertaining yourselves.  I am expecting a massive jump in births nine months from now.  I will be calling them Gen C.  I can hardly wait for a new batch of younguns.  I understand a new baby boy was born in Boise, Idaho, yesterday and the happy hillbilly parents named him Covid.  Kinda cute.

Over and out.

Dispatch 46

Dispatch 46
Field Camp, Palm Desert California
March 17, 2020

Greetings Fellow Adventurers,

For years I have been warning my fishing buddies about the dangers of drinking Mexican beer and now look what has happened. The whole desert around me is cursed with what the old timers are calling Corona virus. I myself have always enjoyed Coors beer, made with pure Rocky Mountain spring water and look at me, 55 years old, and still as healthy as my camel, Pete. But, of course, people will not listen to Old Trout. They have to have their expensive foreign beer and then stuff in a lime, so they can stand to drink it. What has happened to Americans? Now we all are paying the price.

So what is my sage advice now that we are in the soup? Well, here it is. Step by step.

1. Drink Gin and Tonics. Alcohol kill germs and does it from the inside out. Guess where the germs are? Yep, inside!  That is a medical fact. Take the fight to the enemy, I always say! Remember to imbibe soon, as Corona 19 gives you only 19 days from first symptoms to “last rights” so act fast pardners.

2. Do not buy any TP. What is the point of that? We all get free catalogs in the mail and the outhouse has a good stock. Buy more gin with that TP money.

3. If you cannot help hoarding, at least collect something useful like dark chocolate, ammunition, or trout flies. I myself have hoarded over 300 trout flies and the security they give me helps me sleep at night.

4. Social distancing. Do not get within six feet of other people. I have never had a problem with this step because I have found most folks are more than happy to avoid being near me. I suggest you cut out a 12-foot diameter doughnut of plywood and nail a set of old wader suspenders over the center hole. March around with that on and the problem takes care of itself.

5. Do not shake hands. Instead, I suggest implementing the time-honored peace pipe instead. It may take a bit longer but the smoke keeps the mosquitoes at bay and it is a great way to meet new pals. Enjoy the sunset with a G&T while you puff away, you never know how long you have to live (19 days?). Take time to tell a fishing story or two. You will not regret it.

That is pretty much all the medical advice I have for you at this time. Remember, we have been in tight spots before and in the end we came out just fine. Well, except for that time in Moab, Utah, when I accidentally ordered a large milkshake formulated to purge local hippies’ digestive systems. That really was a medical emergency. Truly a close call. Could have used some extra TP then. Jeepers!

Over and out for now. Stay safe and soon we will all be together again in fish camp this summer.

Dispatch 45

Rose Cottage, Idaho

December 29, 2019

Greetings Fellow Adventurers!

Our skis are waxed and rucksacks packed. Day after tomorrow we will cross the barren snow fields of Idaho to a steam train station. From there we will begin our annual migration South to the warm sands of the Coachella Valley in California. 

Once again our anthropological field studies require that the next three months be spent among the windblown hills of that ancient land.

I will be reunited with my camel, Pete, and be reminded that the revolver and Winchester rifle are daily tools of the trade in this dangerous, primitive region. At this very moment, crews of local villagers are being organized at our archaeological dig site and wooden crates of supplies have been sent ahead of us via steam locomotive.

Scout is excited for another season in our rustic desert cabin and the opportunity to make new culinary discoveries in the local eateries. As usual, her interest lies primarily in exploring the botanic offerings of the region, particularity orchids and lilies.

I, on the other hand, will continue exploring the ancient history of the local tribes and their strange cultural rituals that include using sticks to strike small white balls that roll into holes in the earth. This ritual seems to mean a great deal to the tribe members and thus far science has not discovered why. It all appears so pointless.

In three months, we will return to good old Idaho and enjoy a new spring and all that it promises--gardening, flyfishing, dutch oven cooking and regular baths. What luxury! Until then, think of us under a blistering sun with little besides our camels and native camp helpers to keep us company.

Over and out for now. We hope you are all well, warm and snug in your caves for the winter.

​Images of Old Trout from last season.  Compliments of Harvard Field Studies.​

Panama Itinerary 2019

Holland America - November 16, 2019